Welcome back to A Day In The Life Of The Anonymous Me,
As some of you may know, I created this blog to share with people online things that have happened to me and things that I am going through. Therefore, I need to be entirely honest with you, and as you don’t know who I am, I won’t experience any negative changes in my life because of this blog. I hope after this blog post you can all respect me for who I am and respect the decisions that I have made these past few months.
About two months ago just before I broke up from school, my Granny was being admitted to hospital quite frequently, but then one day I came home from school to discover that her condition had worsened and that she had a stomach tumour. She was given a few days max to live. The following morning, we received a phone call to inform us that she had passed away in the night. I knew before I even opened my eyes from the tone in my Dads voice what had happened. I didn’t cry that day, or the next, or any of the days following.
After my Granny’s passing my Grandad became very withdrawn from the world and extremely unresponsive. He was the strongest man I have ever known – he had survived several strokes and TIAs, but in the end his love for his wife was what caused his passing. They were inseparable.
Then the end of term came and the summer holidays were beginning. I am usually really excited for the summer holidays. However, this year was different. This year I wanted to be back at school where I could forget everything that was going on. For the last two weeks of term I had used school as my escape. Now I’d lost that too.
Then my Aunt who was diagnosed with cancer became very ill. This happened just before the funeral of my Grandparents.
Until the day of the funeral, I had not shed one tear. I remember as we were in the limousine behind the hearses it felt like the slowest journey one could ever take, but the rest of the world were carrying on what they were doing at normal speed. We were the only mourners. As we drove into the cemetery I saw a sea of graves. The first name I read was my own. It was then that I realised that part of me has died. No-one can replace the emptiness inside of me which was caused by my grandparents passing. They were too special.
I didn’t let one tear fall during the service. I read by eulogy/tribute as you would a book, not letting my voice change once. My Uncle said that I held myself together better than him and my Dad and my Aunt(not the same one as I mentioned earlier in this post, this Aunt is my Uncles second wife) said I was brave to read my tribute, but it wasn’t a competition. I held myself together so I could read my love of Granny and Grandad. Also, I felt like if I stayed strong, it would help everyone else stay strong. I never show much emotion when it comes to sad times and the funeral service was one of them.
I only let the tears fall at the burial and even then it was only a few. It was heartbreaking to see my Dad and his brother at the grave side. They showed so much emotion.
Afterwards at the wake, it felt like they were forgotten. They were barely spoken about. Although speaking about them may of been hard, I wish people had. It would of made it easier because the truth is always easier than a lie.
About two weeks later I lost my Great Grandma. The following day my family lost my Aunt. I can only remember a few things about her, but I still cared about her. It was then I started to think. Who’s next? My definition of home is two arms to hold you when you are at your worst and at that moment in time home didn’t have an address because there wasn’t anyone in my life that saw what I was going through. They don’t understand that when I seem my strongest, I need them the most. I guess that is one downside when it comes to showing no emotion.
I can thankfully say that now I am feeling much more positive as a result of confiding in some really supportive people in my life and I would like to thank them hugely. Also, The Positive Post It Note Project which I set up helped me immensely.
Please know that there is always light in our lives because there wouldn’t be darkness without light. Also, know that there is always a source of light you can turn to. If you are under the age of 18 and you live in the UK, Childline is a great confidential way to share your thoughts whether it be talking to a councillor or talking to others in the same position as you or others who have been in your situation on the message boards. There is always friends, family, teachers and colleagues as well.
You are never alone.
Until next time, goodbye