Welcome Back To A Day In The Life Of The Anonymous Me,
I have been putting off writing this post for a few reasons, but I think the most important reason I have put it off was because I knew that if I talked about it, it would become real. As you have probably guessed by the title of this post I am going to be talking about insomnia.
I have never been the best sleeper. When I was a small child I always wanted to stay up really late. Now as I am getting older I am going to sleep much much later and waking up much much later. It is not that I choose to stay up late. It is because my mind takes a long time to shut down.
Throughout the day my mind is always occupied on other things: the lesson I am in; cooking dinner; baking cakes; seeing family – you get the jist. I don’t have time to think about other things and how I feel. However, when I get into bed it is a different matter. I have nothing that I urgently need to do; my mind doesn’t need to concentrate on anything. I am left to my own thoughts and feelings.
I always have the same recurring set of thoughts. It is the same each night. I replay moments over and over in my head. It is like they can not escape.
I have been through a lot these past few years, whether it be with friends or family. It has made me feel so alone. So empty. There is a battle of thoughts in my head and I can not stop it.
I blame myself for things that happened when deep down I know it was not my fault.
A few years ago someone was really ill in my family and we did not know if they were going to make it. Thankfully they did, but during that time period all I felt was pain. At that moment in time I felt as if I had only ever felt pain; that I had never known happiness or joy. When we discovered he was going to make it the pain slowly drifted away, but it just left me feeling numb. I did not feel anything, but I wanted to so much. Therefore, when I found out that someone loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend I said yes. We were friends before going out and although I cared about him, I did not love him. I hoped that I would love him though. That he would bring back my ability to feel. We received so much attention – it was like we were a couple on a reality TV show entertaining everyone. I got given more attention than him though. The attention was always set on me. It made me feel like I was constantly being watched. That I could not escape the relationship. This brought all the sadness and pain back which I had tried to escape. Although I did not love him, I cared about him. I did not want him to get hurt. So I got my friend to tell him I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. I thought that if I shut myself away in a little bubble that all the pain would go away; that I could be happy again; that I could not hurt anyone that I loved or cared about. Thankfully this stage in my life passed and I began to feel happy again, but it still sticks with me.
Another recurring memory is of a friend that I had. He was one of my best friends. I felt that I could tell him anything. Absolutely anything. He stayed up all night talking to me online. Helping me through everything I was going through. Giving me advice. Reassuring me. I thought that he cared about me. That he wanted to help me. Then one day the tone of the messages became inappropriate. I tried to turn it into a joke. Laugh it away. Hope that he would give up, but the messages still came through. I told one of my best friends about him. She mentioned it to him one day and then he accused me of things. The tone of the messages was no longer inappropriate, but nasty. I blocked him and have not spoken to him since. I forgive him for what he did, but I regret letting it go on for as long as it did. Although no one at school knew what he had said, they all knew that something was going on. They all stood up for me. People who I was not great friends with even stuck by my side. I received so much support from my family of friends that it reminded me how lucky I am to have them all in my life. I guess the ending of this chapter in my life was a positive one, but it still comes back to me.
I also think about all the people I have lost these past few years and how much I miss them.
I also have more thoughts like this. I will not go through them all as we would be here a very long time. Also, please don’t worry about me – I am not going to go and commit suicide or anything. These events were all in the past and no longer affect me. They just stick with me at night. I feel like now I have shared some of these with you I might be able to get more sleep. Now that I have got this off my chest I hope you understand me a bit better and that we have become closer because of it. I am not like this in the day usually. It is just the few hours before I go to sleep when old memories come back to me that it chips away at my happiness. Hopefully after this post I can turn a new leaf and start afresh with my sleep.
Until next time, goodbye